This will be a three part post and will include, for your enjoyment: a playlist, new lyrics to an old song, and an example of how my child’s brain works. In that order. Herewith,

Part I. Summer 2012’s Playlist of Inappropriate Songs for a 5 Year Old

Simon loves these songs and sings them at the top of his lungs in the car, in the living room during our dance parties, and where ever else he hears them. Luckily for me, he only knows the radio edits of the songs and has YEARS before he knows what they’re really saying and what the songs actually mean. (I am a bad mom, but I still have standards, people!)

5. Everybody Talks – Neon Trees Simon calls this “our song.” I’m not sure why, other than we sing it at the same time, in equal volume. And, truth be told, we sometimes try to see who can sing louder. And I OBVIOUSLY win, because all he does is shriek. Which is not singing. I would know, because I am a beautiful singer. I think I might try out for the Voice next season, in fact. But only if Adam Levine picks me. He is hot.

4. Somebody that I Used to Know – Gotye We mostly just bop our head to the beat of this song. But Simon has a favorite line in this song. “But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough” is the one. At this point in the song, he starts to pretend it is a dog singing…rough becomes ruff in his head. And that is funny.

3. We Are Young – fun./Janelle monae Very inappropriate, because while he can relate being “high” (in the sky) in the #1 song listed below, he can’t understand what being in a bathroom has to do with space or airplanes or anything in the air. “Hey Simon, check out that squirrel crossing the road! I hope he makes it before that car runs him over!” See, now you forgot about that part of the song, too. Super Awesome Mom Trick #1 – DISTRACTION! Works every time.

2. Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen Ok, this song is just fine for a 5 year old. And he is SO ADORABLE singing it. And every time it comes on in the car, and we’ve gotten to our destination, he asks me to leave it on and stay in the car until it’s done so he can sing the whole thing. And he knows all the lyrics. Adorable. He liked it already, and then he found out that the girl singing is friends with Justin “Beaver” and it was cemented. One of his favorites.

1. Starships – Nicki Minaj This song is completely the most inappropriate song for children. However, since Simon simply ADORES space and science, it is fitting that it is absolute favorite. Including the line, which according to Simon goes, “I’m higher than any other,” (Thank You, GLEE) because, well, you know, if you’re in space, you are technically higher than anyone. Rock on.

Part II. New Lyrics

All this time, I thought Simon would grow up to be in film or theater. However, after this week, it might be music.

He heard the McDonald’s theme: Ba da pa pa pa, I’m lovin’ it! (Close enough) and then came up with the following:

Ba da pa pa pa, I’m made of milk.

Ba da pa pa pa, I’m outta milk!

Ba da pa pa pa, I’m mad at milk.

Ba da pa pa pa, I’ll water it.

Folks, absorb it. This child told you a complete story here. A story of love, heartbreak, and acceptance. He is clearly a mix-master. Look out, Hova, he’s comin’ for ya.

Part III. The inner workings of Simon’s brain.

Simon has been telling me about his dreams since he was practically a baby. I know this sounds hard to believe, and I still don’t believe it sometimes when I think about it, because it almost seems impossible. However, there was one morning he woke up, when he was 18 months old (and was already speaking in complete sentences) and told me about the train that was in his room, up by the ceiling, choo-chooing through the house. I was so confused at first. And then I asked him if he saw the train while he was sleeping…and he thought about it for a minute and said yes. Wigged me right out.

Anyway, he still has very vivid dreams and tells us about them when he wakes up. Yesterday he woke up and immediately started telling me about his dream. Which he HAD to act out. Because if you just SAY it, it’s NOT the same as SHOWING it to someone.

I will not tell you HOW he acted it out. I will merely tell you what he said and let you imagine it…and the singing that went along with it. He called the dream “Superman Cat Sings Star Wars”. Superman was a cat…who was flying through space, wearing his cape, fighting the bad guys…while, wait for it, MEOW-ING the Star Wars theme song.

You are welcome for that visual. You may now begin your weekend. And meow the force be with you.

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